Aiden’s mama here. Matthew is the mastermind behind Aiden’s website and everything that is shared. I figured now is as good a time as any to start sharing some of our stories and experiences from my perspective.
There are many things I would love to write about. Since the season is upon us, I thought I would start with the holidays. This season has been HARD, if not impossible. Every turn has painfully reminded us of the things we got to do with Aiden last year, and the things he should be doing with us this year. I would have given just about anything for him to be able to experience the Holidays with Sawyer. Realistically no one could have prepared us for how much we would grieve Aiden this season. Although Aiden is not physically present with us we know he’s here.
We often feel his presence and get gentle reminders that our boy really isn’t all that far away. We are doing our best to ensure he’s included in everything that we do. It feels imperative that we continue to find ways to help Sawyer get to know his brother. I will have to admit that when this season started I felt a little paralyzed and uninspired. I did not have any grand ideas on what we would do as a family. I wasn’t sure what navigating this years holidays would look like.
If you are here reading this because you are also going through something similar please be gentle with yourself. Do things at the pace and tempo that you are ready for. Don’t let anyone pressure you into continuing traditions or doing things just because. Don’t hesitate to reach out to us if you are looking for support. There are lots of families who have walked this path before us and along side us. They are who have gotten me through this season alongside Matthew and Sawyer. They are also the ones who re-inspired me this season. I reached out to see what others do to honor their children. There was not a single wrong answer. I will list the ideas that were shared with us as well as some of the ones we have come up with in case you are here in hopes of finding inspiration.
- Have a tree that is specifically for your loved one. I was really nervous to do this one. We put Aiden’s tree in his room and decorated it with Aiden and Sawyers ornament. We skipped putting up all of the decorations and our normal tree as it just didn’t feel quite right this year. I’m sure as the years pass and Sawyer is old enough to understand the magic of Christmas we will indulge into some of the things we skipped but for now this was more than enough. When we are in stores that sell ornaments we look for ones that remind us of our boy. For us this will be part of our new tradition. Only having ornaments that mean something to us.
- Filling your loved ones stocking with cards and letters so you have something to “open” for them on Christmas. I put out a post on Facebook and shared this idea with our extended family. We also are exchanging and writing cards for other families who are apart of NTSAD. If you are reading this and want to participate we would be happy to send you our address. Just fill out the contact us page if you do not have another way to contact us.
- We have a demdaco Here to Hug Remembrance Bear. It was recommended to me by another mom who had lost her child. The bear has been a great way for us to bring Aiden with us, and include him in family experiences. We have found so many ways to include Aiden’s bear in the things we do. For Halloween we changed the picture to Aiden in his costume from last year. Aiden was Woody from Toy Story. This year Sawyer was Buzz Light Year and he was able to bring his brothers bear around with him. For Thanksgiving we got to dress Sawyer up and take pictures with his brothers bear. For Christmas Aiden’s bear got to go see Santa with Sawyer. It has been a really unique way to ensure he is included in all of the things we do.
- Give a gift in honor of your child. We have seen this suggestion in a variation of ways. You can adopt a child who is close to the age your child would be. You can also just give to foundations or organizations that hold significance to you. For us this year we decided to participate in purchasing items from the Willie Bee Foundation’s wish list.
If none of these ideas sound appealing to you that’s also okay. Its okay to skip this season. Its okay to shut the doors and decline to participate in things you previously have done. Its imperative that you take care of yourself and grieve the way that you need too. I am learning that grief and joy can co exist and that’s okay. The reality is we are surviving. For some that may seem like a small thing but for us its enough.
In case you’re reading this up there, sweet boy — Mama loves you so much.
